Sunday, November 27, 2005

i came so close... shutting my wee bloggy down last night. i have the decimated template and the final post stored away, just in case.

i've had it up my back teeth with everything lately. no interest in any of the things that normally bring me joy. my sense of self is quite battered - consumed with self-doubt and self-loathing, suffering a severe lack of self-esteem and confidence. even my fabulous new job is a pain in the arse (but never to the extent of the old one - we must count our blessings where we can find them...)

yes, i am probably loopy and hopefully you will still love me when i work my way through the dark fog that has descended.

i'm off to feed the good wolf and kick the mongrel butt of the evil wolf.

just a quick reminder...

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee replied simply, "The one you feed."

Sunday, November 20, 2005

honey, don't waste my time

another day of washing clothes and retail therapy, among other things.

can any men who might be lurking about reading my wee bloggy explain how the male mind works? (of course, i am making an assumption that the male minds does work...) i have been chatting with a man online for a while and it was decided that today would be the day we would meet in the real world. he sent a text message saying he was caught up and would call me later. i wrote him off as a time waster and went about my shopping expedition. surprise, surprise!! he did call back later and profusely apologised. he had already gained points for being quite well mannered and got some more for actually calling back. i decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and we organised to meet up at a specified place and time. after i had hung around waiting for about 10 minutes i got another text message with another excuse. he is now in the serial time waster bin. bloody men, can't live with them, can't shoot them...

unconscious mutterings
1. Heads up:: warning
2. Kicker:: arse...
3. Aggressive:: hostile
4. Getting ugly:: things are...
5. To be continued:: cliffhanger
6. Twist:: ...ed sister
7. Form::
8. On the road:: ...again
9. Import:: ...ant
10. Flowers:: icehouse

a 13 day which is 130% of the RDDHA

music to my ears
vega 95.3

Friday, November 18, 2005


a very strange day.

there is a set of traffics lights on flinders street that are never, ever red. this morning, the bus had to stop there. i knew then it would be a weird day.

at about 12.15m, there was a power cut. whoomp! suddenly everything was very quiet. i was about to go to lunch with ja, so we walked down 15 flights of fire stairs to find a firetruck out the front and what appeared to smoke or steam wafting from the top of our building. (no explanation for that and it appears to be unrelated to the power failure.) there was no panic and the building was not officially evacuated until after we had made our way out. ja and i went off to wynyard and did what we needed to do. by the time we got back, the lifts & lights were working but we had no desktop power. it was almost another hour before things were back to normal. in the meantime, i called miss e to say hello and to wish her a happy weekend with her family and she told me that the power has gone at their end of town too.

two totally unrelated and not that strange incidents but i just feel somewhere deep inside me that there has been shift in the tectonic plates of my life...

a 9 day which is 90% of the RDDHA

music to my ears
a certain trigger : maximo park
singles : new order
vega 95.3

Thursday, November 17, 2005


gorgeous lebanese banquet dinner with ho, mr and g (a friend of ho) in glebe, with emphasis on the gorge - i think i may burst. this is not helped by the fact that i drank an entire bottle of wine... the walk from glebe down to central station helped clear my head :)

tee hee - this has to be the most interesting and cutest search query i have seen in my stats - 'as a child i had to button up my cardigan and get my hair cut short'

a 9 day which is 90% of the RDDHA. more bon(e)us points for the stick dog although i may have to change his name to the tennis ball dog - he now carries at least 3 tennis balls in his mouth (and still manages to look like he is smiling) while his human companion carries the sticks.

music to my ears
the back room : the editors
cuttings : the editors
vega 95.3

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

functional zombie

it is not all gloom and doom. i have still been living a mostly normal life, it's just the internal chatter of self-doubt that is driving me mad.

so what have i been doing?

going to work
riding ferries on the harbour
watching 'kiss kiss, bang bang' at the cinema
buying an exercise bike
thinking too much
watching 'fever pitch' on dvd
having no confidence in my self
talking on the phone to mr kim
avoiding friends
more sleeping
buying clothes
buying clothes that i might never wear
not doing any nanowriting
running into old friends
getting caught in the rain
sleeping a bit more
not thinking enough
lurking (on the net and in real life)
knowing that i have friends who love me despite my withdrawal from my own life

a 12 day which is 120% of the RDDHA

music to my ears
soundtrack : donnie darko
soundtrack : garden state
a certain trigger : maximo park
final straw : snow patrol
songs for polar bears : snow patrol
when it's all over we still have to clear up : snow patrol
hopes & fears : keane
demon days : gorillaz
gorillaz[uk] : gorillaz
breathing tornadoes : ben lee
vega 95.3

Sunday, November 13, 2005


i am here, i am lurking, i don't have the words. i have lost my web muse.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

life as we know it

This Is My Life, Rated
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Your Life Analysis:

Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score is on the low end. Making key changes to different aspects of your life will bring you greater fulfillment. Do not be discouraged. Seek help outside yourself if need be. There is always time to change, and change will bring many rewards.

Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is rather low, which means that your mental state is not in tune. Learn to filter out the noise of everyday life. Unplug, relax, read a good book. Take up a new area of study. Simplify and focus your mental energy and your mind function will improve.

Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key.

Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score leaves room for improvement. Consider making a concerted effort to redefine your attitudes and focus your beliefs. Boosting your spirit will lead to greater life satisfaction.

Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score suffers, yet it does not need to be this way. Strengthen your social network by reaffirming old bonds. Seek out new friendships, and they will provide you the reward you need.

Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. You have a rather low love score. While some are lucky, for most of us love doesn't fall in our laps. You must actively work on improving this area. Do not despair, there is someone out there for you.

Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. You have a rather good financial score, which is not all that common these days. Keep doing what works. Avoid common pitfalls and save for the future. You will be glad you did.

wednesday 6.30am update: p.s. forgot to tell you that i found this over at nicole's blog...

Monday, November 07, 2005


i am still here, just in lurk mode. thank you to my cheer squad, i appreciate your kind words and thoughts very much.

i never once thought that finding a new job would be the answer to all my problems but i did not realise the extent to which i have been squashing down the other stuff that bothers me. i was beginning to think that i had made a mistake with the job thing but i know that is so not true. the rest of my life is now demanding that i take notice of it, having kept it shoved under the all encompassing shroud that was old job misery. i am way too practiced in the art of stuffing all of my feelings down into a deep pit for later rumination and then never quite finding the time to do so. a lifetime habit is very hard to break. the emotional volcano threatened to erupt in the last few days but i have poked some vents in it to let some steam escape and the threat has been minimised.

i'm madly trying to catch up with my nanowriting - most things have been abandoned these last few days.

tomorrow, i will endeavour to post about my weekend (which was not all doom and gloom) and also do some unconscious muttering monday madness too.


a 53 five days which is 106% of the RFDDHA

music to my ears
best of : new order
lowlife : new order
singles : new order
get ready : new order
substance : new order (disc 1 & 2)
funeral : ardcade fire
cuttings : the editors
the back room : the editors
tourist : athlete
vehicles & animals : athlete
breathing tornadoes : ben lee
vega 95.3

today's word count: 6600
words left: 43400

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

nothing much to say...

so i'll not say much...

p.s. i forgot to tell you about the excel spreadsheet that i have created - as i am working on my nonowrimo effort, i do a regular word count and punch the number into the spreadsheet - it then calculates for me the daily word count, how many words i need to hit my daily goal and how many words left until i hit the magic 50,000 - how mad can one girl be??

a 9 day which is 90% of the RDDHA

music to my ears
tourist : athlete
vehicles & animals : athlete
vega 95.3

today's word count: 1771
words left: 46506

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

horses for courses

i started this post at 10.30pm but have been too busy yapping on the phone to mr kim. it is now 11.53pm and i am tired, so i will make this brief...

melbourne cup today - i did not win anything. why change a lifetime tradition!
i'm still a winner! see music to my ears below.
nanowrimo started but can i keep it up??

a 14 day which is 140% of the RDDHA

music to my ears
cuttings : the editors
the back room : the editors
vega 95.3 - woo hoo!! i did go to bed early last night but i could not sleep as there was a bloody big bogong moth flittering about and i could hear it's wings flapping. i turned on the radio to shut out the sound and the evening competition came on so i called up and managed to win some dvds - tom petty and the heartbreakers, chris isaak and lyle lovett. i still have not picked up my last prize so hopefully they still have it and i can collect both when i finally get down there.